How to have Sex

How to Canoe

2006-08-01T12:33:00.000-07:00

Keep your canoe moving downstream and
Let the river do the work for you.
Keeping the canoe steered properly
Can be a source of friction in relationships, so
Let the person in back steer
While the bow paddler provides gentle reminders.
Turn using a reverse sweep,
Stirring the paddle powerfully towards the bow.
Take the paddle out of the water
When the arm holding the throat
Of the paddle is fully extended.
When you stop, hold the pointer
So the canoe doesn't go off without you.

My Volvo Drinks and Smokes too Much

2006-06-04T08:36:00.000-07:00

I buck uncontrollably. I have serious goop blockages in my block. Fluid is being pumped into the torque converter, but it still gets worse with inclines. Smoke from the tail is an indication I am running too rich. This is possibly a choke problem. I’m suffering from Blow-by, wondering if this is the same as a Ring Job. The back transfer solenoid is causing me to chatter. Now I am getting a vibration under my seat. That squealing sound comes from a defective tensioner. The shaft going through my wishbone strut is too tight. I tried to bust the lower ball joint loose, but I might need to 180 the shaft altogether. Adding grease to the rubbing parts, make sure the joint is evenly set in the yoke. I bent it during a previous removal. I tried flushing the system, but I still get hot and blow. A kinked wire in my bundle causes the uncontrollable buck. I need three bottles of heat.

How to Tweeze

2006-06-03T22:48:00.000-07:00

The act begins with a slanted tweezer.
Wash the area thoroughly with a mild toner.
Pull the skin taut against the bone.
Get a good grip on the root.
Conforming to its natural curve,
Start in the middle and pluck towards the end,
Always from underneath.
Plucking in the wrong direction will distort the root
And possibly break it off.
Finish with a moisturizer.
If you habitually tweeze, consider getting a professional wax job.

Carburetor Repair

2006-05-28T16:10:00.000-07:00

Premature ignition got you down?
Locate the wadget under the anterior.
Remove the fleem.
Gently caress the twin cams, whose cups come in various sizes.
FYI: Sporty models have the largest cups.
Moving down from the cams,
Hoist the manifold so that its posterior protrudes upward.
Immediately grasp the lubricated cam shaft and insert into the manifold.
Lastly, remove the shaft and wipe clean.

The Roastmaster

2006-04-22T00:38:00.000-07:00

The Roastmaster knows his coffees intimately.
He feels the coffee inside the roasting drum,
Becomes familiar with it, has empathy for each nuance,
The natural properties and unique flavors, the aromas,
How the roast pops.
The Roastmaster inserts his sample puller
And plays with his blends.
He learns not to roast too quickly, yet
There is anxiety he won't let these sweet cherries out in time.
When the roast is at its peak, the precise point,
Not a second too soon,
He brings the oil on the bean,
Whoosh, relief, spills into the cooling bin.
He crowns each steaming cup with a creamy flourish.

Photography

2006-04-18T20:17:00.000-07:00

Be atypical; Surprise the viewer
Startle into participation
The key to power is freshness
Involve yourself
Size can be an optical illusion

Beer

2006-04-13T21:25:00.000-07:00

Mill the best grain
Infuse and rest to smooth character
Transform proteins into fermentable sugars
“Splarging” extracts the sugars into a wort

Hops impart aroma and bitterness
Allow trub to settle
Condition in bed for two weeks
Pump by hand for a brilliant creamy head

Sexing Rabbits

2006-04-08T23:53:00.000-07:00

Mesmerize the rabbit
By turning it upside down
Finger the protrusion in front of the anus

A doe has a slit vagina with visible pink
She develops a skin fold under her chin called a dewlap
(Dewlap is not rabbit talk for lesbian)

A buck has a white tubular penis with a pointy head
Stimulate the buck by keeping the lights on
On hot days his testicles descend rendering him sterile

Avoid breeding closely related pairs or
Rabbits with loose stools or rabbits with moon eye
The estrus cycle of a doe is continuous heat

Test for pregnancy by palpating her lower abdomen
She will pull fur from herself to line the nest
The doe will get plump, grumpy and try to scratch you

Pasture Improvement

2006-04-07T23:43:00.000-07:00

Compost improves fertility
Manure is the finest material in any compost
Avoid manure from carnivores

Look for a spot that allows you to compost discretely
Too much nitrogen can cause odor
Most manures are "hot" when fresh

Drag pasture with a harrow
Disk or plow before the actual seeding
Use a method of seeding based on tillage
Seed without a companion crop

Fertility and good management will assure a productive pasture
Rotational grazing is desirable
Clip pastures regularly to keep in a desireable condition

Make hay when the dew rises
Breeding horses require supplemental forage
Do not feed hay containing blister beetles to horses
There is no magic "secret" that will transform a horse into a champion

Building the Fire

2006-04-06T22:49:00.000-07:00

First purify the male Hogan
You may have to blow on it
Stimulate with vigorous action
By rubbing wood furiously between your palms

The female Hogan is warm and inviting
The inside of the female Hogan is large and tempting
This is where the family finds love and compassion
Building a fire here is an attractive bonding experience

Behind the front door is a fire stick
The sticky stuff coming from the end of the stick is the resin
Gently dig in her belly for lint
For tinder to catch the spark

Nourish your fire, Open the damper
To suck smoke up the chimney
You should be getting hot and crazy, but
Don't jump over the fire naked

In a Laundry

2006-04-06T18:12:00.000-07:00

1. Remove clothes while they are slightly damp.
2. Check the exhaust vent. Make sure it's clean and that the flapper on the outside hood opens and closes freely.
3. A clogged filter will restrict flow and reduce performance.
4. One large load will take less energy.
5. Be careful not to overfill.
6. Use the suds-saving feature.
7. In good weather, consider hanging clothes outside.